HYYH pt 1 - THE NOTES📚
Contents
- Prologue Good Kid
- Shadow of my childhood
- Everything started from here
- End of summer, Beginning of Solitude
- I must survive
- What to look for when lost
- The things with wings
- The topmost floor in the city
- The most beautiful day of our lives
- After returning from the sea
- The direction where the sun rises
- Epilogue Nightmare
Prologue Good Kid
Shadow of My Childhood
It all happened when I counted to four. I was counting some
fruit, maybe tomatoes or melon. I’m not sure. “Four.” As soon as I said it, a
vision from my childhood appeared before my eyes. I was holding hands with
someone.
It was the day I first went to an amusement park with mom. I
was mesmerized by the colorful flags and rows of shops. People dressed like
clowns waved at me, and exciting music reverberated in every corner. Mom
stopped in front of a merry-go-round. White horses were going round and round
under sparkling lights. I was about to ask, “Mom, are we here to ride this?”
when someone called me. “Hoseok.” I looked up.
It was my teacher. My classmates were all looking at me with
bewildered eyes. The vision from my childhood disappeared. My teacher urged me
to continue, and I began to count again. Five. Six. Mom appeared before my
eyes again. She looked exactly the same as a minute ago. Her face was shaded as she
was standing in front of the light, and a breeze fanned her hair. Mom handed me
a chocolate bar. “Hoseok, close your eyes tight, and don’t open them until you
count to ten.”
Seven. Eight. Nine. I stopped there. My teacher made a
gesture signaling me to go on. My classmates stared at me again. I opened my
mouth, but no words came out. Mom’s face blurred. It felt as if she would never
come looking for me if I finished counting to ten. I fell to the ground.
Taehyung
29 December Year 10
I flung off my shoes, hurled my bag on the floor, and ran
into the room. Dad was really home. I had no time to think how long he’d been
gone and where he was coming from. I just threw myself into his arms. It became
all blurry from that point. I wasn’t sure whether I smelled liquor on his
breath first, heard him cursing first, or got slapped on my face first. I didn’t
know what was happening. His alcohol breath was repulsive and his breathing was
hard. His eyes were bloodshot. He had a scruffy beard. A massive hand slapped
my face. “What are you looking at?” he slapped me again. Dad grabbed me by my
shoulders and picked me up. I was almost face-to-face with him. Bloodshot eyes
and a scruffy beard. He wasn’t my dad. Well, he was. But he wasn’t. my feet
dangled in the air. I was so frightened that I couldn’t even cry. The next
moment, my head hit the wall hard and I crumpled to the floor. It felt as if my
head had cracked. I could hardly see straight. It became pitch black.
Jimin
6 April Year 11
I went out the front gate of the Grass Flower Arboretum
alone. The sky was cloudy and a little chilly, but I was feeling good. It was school picnic day, and as usual, my parents were too busy to make it. This brought me down. But I received high evaluations in the flower drawing contest, and my friends' mothers all told me, “You’re so mature and gentle.” I thought I was pretty
cool.
“Jimin, wait here. It’ll just be a minute,” my teacher said
after the picnic was over and we got ready to leave the arboretum. I didn’t
wait. I knew I could find the way on my own. I held onto the straps of my backpack
with both hands and took confident steps. Everyone seemed to be staring at me,
so I kept my shoulders back. After walking for a while, it began to rain. My classmates
and their mothers had all left, and no one paid attention to me. I crouched
under a tree. The rain began to pour down more and more heavily. I stretched my
neck to check if anyone was coming from either side, but no one was around.
I began to run, holding my backpack over my head with both
hands. The rain kept falling harder and harder. My pants got soaked in the rain
after only a few steps. No shop, house, or bus stop came into sight. In the far
distance, I could see a gate. I ran towards it without thinking. My hands felt
numb from gripping the backpack. I was soaking wet, and my teeth were
chattering. On top of the gate was a sign that read Grass Flower Arboretum. It was
the back gate. There was a small warehouse just inside the gate.
SeokJin
21 July Year 12
The entrance door kept opening and closing. I kept staring
at it, sitting in the airport waiting room. People with suitcases passed by,
some wearing sunglasses. The electronic display board continued to change with
arrivals, delays, and cancelations. The driver was murmuring with his eyes
fixed on his cell phone. “No word from him yet.” I looked down at my watch. It was
more than an hour past the time Dad promised he’d arrive.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been by myself. Dad was
busy and mom was indifferent. They told me to do what I was told and not try
anything else. When I disobeyed, they scolded me with silence. I wanted to
please my parents.
Mom died not so long ago. Dad told me not to cry and didn’t
cry himself. I tried to obey him, but it wasn’t easy. He decided to send me to
my maternal grandmother’s in the U.S. he didn’t seem very sad about it.
Dad’s driver handed me my passport. It was time to leave. I looked
back as I headed for the departure gate. The entrance door closed. The driver
waved at me. The airplane finally began to speed down the runaway. Dad didn’t
come.
I looked out the tiny window by my seat. Clouds passed by,
and the sky turned pitch black. The flight attendant brought me a meal, and the
juice cup fell when we hit turbulence. Flustered, I asked for some napkins. The
flight attendant asked me if I was okay. My fried rice and meat were soaked in
juice. My hands were sticky and my pants were all wet. “No,” I whispered back,
but the flight attendant didn’t seem to hear. She said not to worry as she took
away my tray. I nodded and kept looking down at the floor.
Namjoon
21 June Year 16
I darted down the stairs from the 13th floor. I was
out of breath and my legs were trembling. I collapsed in the shadow of the
entrance to the apartment building. I started late today because school got out
later than usual. I had to go full speed to post the fliers in all four
apartment buildings by the deadline. If I didn’t my boss would be waiting for
me with a long lecture. I had laboriously coaxed him into hiring a middle
school student. Surely, I couldn’t let myself get fired at this point. Mom quit
her job at the restaurant last week. We had to pay for the doctor’s bills for
Dad, not to mention the overdue electricity and gas. I kept nodding off in the
shadow. There were kids playing basketball in the far distance. I got up again.
Time to run. I recited to myself. I must do it. I can do it.
Yoongi
19 September Year 16
Flames were devouring my house. It was whole and intact this morning, but now it was aflame. People who recognized me ran towards
me, shouting unintelligible words. The neighbors stamped their feet, looking
nervous. The fire truck couldn’t reach my house because the accessway was
blocked. I stood there frozen. It was the end of summer and the first day of fall. The
sky was blue and the air was crisp. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel,
or what to do. Suddenly, I thought of Mom. At that very moment, my house
collapsed with a thundering crash. It was completely enveloped in flames. Or,
rather, it was a giant flame itself. The roof, pillars, walls, and my room tumbled
down one by one as if they were made of sand. All I could do was gaze at them
with vacant eyes.
People barged past me. I heard them saying the fire truck
finally got through. Someone grabbed me by the shoulder and asked urgently, “Is
your mom in there?” she shook me hard by the shoulder. “No, there is no one.” I
heard myself saying it. “What do you mean?” it was one of the ladies from my
neighborhood. “What happened to your mom? Where is she?” “There is no one.” I wasn’t
sure what I was saying. Someone barged past me again.
JungKook
11 September Year 17
I waited for ten days, but the birthday card never came. I opened
the bottom drawer and lifted a notebook to find four cards. Jungkook, Happy
Birthday, from Dad. I read these five words over and over again.
It was winter, and I was 7 years old. The voices from the living
room woke me up. My room was in the attic, and I could reach my parents’ room
by going down five stairs and opening the sliding door. I reached out to open
the door and stopped. Although I was still young, I could sense from the heavy
atmosphere seeping through the door that this wasn’t a good time.
Dad said that it was too difficult to go on and that the
world was too heavy for him to bear. Mom didn’t reply. She was probably crying
silently or not moving at all. A long silence ensued. Dad said he’d be crushed
if he went on living like this and he should leave now. Mom vehemently protested,
calling him the most irresponsible man. Then, I heard my name. “What are you
going to do about Jungkook?” I waited for a long time behind the sliding door,
but Dad didn’t answer. Then I heard the sound of the front door opening. “I’m
completely empty, and there’s nothing I can do for Jungkook.” Those were my dad’s
last words.
I ran back up the stairs to the attic. I moved my chair against
the wall right under the window and stood on it. Dad was walking down the
sloping road. First, his legs disappeared, and then his waist, chest, and
shoulders. It seemed as if an unknown world beyond the road was slowly swallowing
him whole.
Someone jerked the door of my room open, and I instinctively
pushed the drawer with my foot. It was Mom. She said no birthday card would ever
come and Dad was just that kind of person. It was her usual repertoire. Dad was
feeble-minded, incompetent, and most importantly, a social misfit who deserted
us. Mom was right. No birthday card will ever come. I was the world that was
too heavy for him to bear – that world that he gave up on. A child who can
never be the reason to endure it all. That was me.
